I had frozen on my screen again. I had been staring at it for almost 30 minutes and had no clue what the text in the opened Word document read. Hands trembling, heart beating fast, tears struggling to fall, but I quickly wiped them off. No, this wasn’t gonna happen, ‘Blacks don’t crack’. Continue reading “Edge of Reason”
I completed a book I had been stalling for some years now. I don’t know why I stalled so long but the book turned out to be a very good read. It took me away from my current realities into this blissful state where I’d be staring at the characters, knowing what each was thinking and patiently waiting to see the end. I was quickly reminded about the limitations of TV and movies. In a movie, Tom Cruise is the same as I see him and as you do. But in books, a character can be viewed in different ways by different people reading the same book. Continue reading “Living in a Bubble”
So lately I’ve been trying to hear God’s plans for me. My plans seem to be falling apart day after day and I’m learning to trust the master planner who’s got me figured out. I know God has outstanding plans for me which are of good and not of evil (Jer 29:11). But my over analytical mind wants to know what these plans are and how I can draft my own plans to match up. Continue reading “Turn Off the Voices”
After too many sleepless nights to count and another appointment with Richard, I struggled to stay awake. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this up; trying to solve other’s problems when under the surface, I was one giant time bomb ready to explode.
If anyone needs a therapist, it’s me.
It was a sad irony that continued to haunt me. I could solve other’s problems, but I could never seem to fix my own. At the same time, I’m pretty sure it’s this very job that gives me the courage to get out of bed every morning. They say that helping others eases our own pain. I believe this is true.
Today, Richard began to open up about his childhood, which was more difficult than I could have ever imagined. He was abused as a child by parents who were hardly around. He often went to his best friend’s house after school, hoping to escape the pain, but lost his friend to a drunk driving accident at only seventeen. I could only imagine the pain that would come with loosing a friend to a reckless, irresponsible driver who should never have gotten behind the driver’s seat to begin with.
Little by little, I’m beginning to learn his story, and discover the demons of depression and anxiety that he battles on a daily basis.
It seems that so many of our battles start in our youngest years, as our experiences and personalities mix to create the person that we are today. I still remember the day that my dad walked out on us. My mother begged him not to go, as my youngest sister cried. My older brother tried to be aloof, but I found out later that he took it the hardest of all of us.
I suspect that my dad leaving may have something to do with my difficulty in forming relationships. Psychologists have said that we learn through imitating those around us. Without a healthy relationship to imitate, how could I be expected to form one of my own?
I don’t mind it though. The extra time gives me the chance to think and reflect; something that’s almost as essential as breathing to me. There’s a familiarity in the solitude. I know what to expect from it.
The same can’t be said about people.
I often wonder how God creates plans for us when He knows we’re so prone to screw them up. Why does He allow us the privilege of carrying such great responsibility in the midst of our fallen state? How can we be image bearers of God when we can barely keep up our own image?
These are the things that weigh on my mind when I’m alone too long with only my thoughts to keep me company.
I climbed into bed and pulled the sheets over my head, trying to shield myself from the storm that was making it’s way into my mind. There was a time to analyze my life. This wasn’t it.
Now was the time to get some sleep. I have a big day tomorrow with a new patient, in addition to my regular appointments with Richard.
If I wanted to be of any help I would need to be well rested and alert; which meant that I would somehow need to catch up on a week of lost sleep overnight.
When my head hit the pillow, I wasn’t sure I would be able to do it.
The next morning, I came to the realization that I could.
I was so happy to have Courtney help out with the series. It takes a brilliant writer to be able to pick up from where another stopped and run with it! Thanks again Courtney.
Lesson for the day: It doesn’t hurt to ask for help when you need it!
Have a pleasant weekend! xoxo
So I’ve been talking about the adult thing for some time with a couple of friends. Friends who are pretty new to the adult thing like me. I still have a lot of questions to ask. Like at what age does one really become an adult? 18? 21? When you become independent? When you get married? What even makes an adult? My dictionary defines adult as a fully developed person from maturity onward. Are the people we refer to as adults fully developed really? Or is it just the developed physical attributes we refer to?
If adulthood begins at 18, then I’ve swam in the pool of uncertainty for about 5 years. But I think the African culture recognises adults from 21, so that’s a bit more relieving that I’ve had 2 years of being uncertain about the adult thing. To be honest, I find adulthood a tad scary. It’s kinda like you suddenly become responsible for yourself. Parents withdraw monthly allowances, you become very vulnerable to the law, and you’re left to figure out life with no one to walk you through it. There’s really no dress rehearsal for adulthood, it’s almost like it just comes on you. Phew! Beads of sweat are trickling down my face as I try to analyse this.
I still remember how much I wanted to grow up when I was a kid. I just wanted the perks of independence that came with being an adult. But now that I am, I’m almost wishing I could go back. So now you get to make your decisions knowing fully well you’re responsible for them. It’s no surprise my mind is in a constant state of busyness as I try to weigh every thought, every decision, every word on the pros/cons list. The need for perfection almost drives me insane. It’s overwhelming! I’m not done making decisions for myself and you’re telling me someday I’ll be a mom and would have to make decisions for my kids and family. Gee! Wouldn’t that drive me to insanity?
‘M, take one step at a time. Just breathe.’ You may say. But I’ll give you a thousand decisions I’m yet to make; a thousand thoughts fighting for prominence.
Does anyone really figure out the adult thing? Are there rules that guide everyone? For someone like me who loves rules, are there rules to follow? Within my short time of ‘adulting’, I’ve seen those who don’t play by the rules and it works great for them. And those who abide by the rules are called safe and boring. It’s all confusing!
Yeah sure there are adults who have gone before you and can teach you the ropes. But can your life really be tailored in the same way your mom’s was? Do the same rules still apply? Okay, I really need to hear what you guys have to say about this. I really want to learn from your thoughts and experiences. Thanks!😊
I watched as her demeanour changed when she picked up the phone to see the caller. She didn’t answer. Neither did she put the phone on silence. She just looked away. Her features looked distressed. Who could the caller have been? I wondered. My friend who had just been laughing some minutes back now looked as though she partook of the ice bucket challenge. Her face was completely flustered.
I’m not one to dig into personal concerns except people willingly share them with me. Well, that’s why I get paid for my listening and confidentiality as a therapist. But I still couldn’t help but ask her.
“Who was the caller?” She looked a little shocked as though she wasn’t expecting me to notice.
“It’s him.” She swallowed hard. Fighting the tears that soon began to stain her artificially blushed cheeks.
What is it about men that made women cry? Why do they wield such power to open the floodgates of tears for even the strongest of all women? That I would never know.
As I tried to console her, she freely opened up as to how they had been having issues in the relationship. He’d beat her and later buy her some expensive gift as an appeasement. My one night of having fun away from work got ruined as it turned out to be another therapy session.
By the time we were done, she was happy and empowered. While I looked drained and ordered another drink.
“He’s here to pick me up.” She said after taking his call. I could see the asking-for-permission look on her face.
“Oh please don’t worry about me. Go have fun!” I encouraged. She scampered away with a lot of thank yous.
I was back to being alone. The way I had always been. Lately being alone scared me. Lately- that’s because prior to this period, I had always savoured my aloneness. I’d say being a custodian of other people’s secrets isn’t so good after all. It keeps me up at night, tossing and turning.
Now I was taking some drinks because I was down. I just had to cover up my own heartbreak and be there for my friend. But now that I needed someone to be there for me, there was no one in sight.
It’s funny how some people are always seen as rocks. So solid they don’t have weak moments. So people never really bother to find out how they are. I’m one of such rocks. And men, I must say this rock is breaking.
I’ve been having a lot of strange dreams lately; dreams that I can’t seem to figure; dreams that keep me away from sleep.
I can’t bear to go back home now, even though my friend bailed on me. It’s grave back there.
Now that I think of it, was I right to tell her she could still go back to her man who beats her? Or was I too carried away by my problems to actually think things through. That’s why therapy sessions should be saved for my couch, not a bar stool. Sighs.
©Mfon Etuk, 2016
Hey guys, sorry there’s no Rachel’s musings this week, please bear with me. Plus, you might be seeing a lot of unrelated fiction stories like this, just enjoy it and stop tryna piece them together 😉 Remember the purpose of the Friday fiction is for entertainment and to help my fiction writing skills. Please feel free to share improvement tips or topics you’d like me to write about. Thanks and God bless! ❤
I had one of those weeks when I couldn’t come up with anything to post on the blog. And I began to freak out because I made a commitment to post every Sunday this year-it’s way too early to start derailing. In one of my devotionals, I read about focusing on God and I was pretty psyched to try it out. I stared into the blank wall for a while with my thoughts saying; ‘Dear God, I’m here, focusing on you. Say something.’ My mind interprets everything in terms of images, so even when I’m trying to focus on God, my mind starts conjuring images of what He looks like and how He’s towering down on me and giving me a hard stare. After staring at the blank wall for what seemed like an hour, I had successfully made plans on what to wear the next week, what to eat over the weekend, calls I needed to make and emails I had to reply… I even made a budget for the next month! When I was done ‘focusing on God’ I went back to other things.
Clearly I hadn’t ‘focused on God’. Rather, I spent thirty minutes mapping out plans. It’s not my fault! I just love making plans and strictly sticking to them (yeah, I know I sound really structured-I get that a lot). But God also loves making plans! He already drafted the plans for my life and yours long before we were born. What interests me is how God works out the plan in a fun way. Yeah we drift (mostly because we don’t even know the plans) but He still finds His way around. If a piece of my plan were to fall out, I’d freak out! My mind would begin summersaulting. But God doesn’t freak out even when we leave the right lane and start living another person’s life! How does He do that?
Well, He doesn’t want us to freak out about our plans. That’s why He said ‘don’t worry about your life, what you will eat, what you will wear…’ (Matt 6:25) Funny how these are the foundation stones for every other thing we worry our little minds about. You tell me not to be anxious and I find myself wondering why you said so-maybe something bad is about to happen-OMG! What is it? :O I get so wrapped up in my mind; I just want to scream ‘GET ME OUTTA MY MIND!!!’
Even though God has said we shouldn’t worry, I find myself doing so and it’s exhausting. So yeah, I’m going to focus on God. Because if He’s said I shouldn’t worry, He definitely has a plan. It’s okay if I don’t know everything, but I’m gonna trust Him to reveal each piece of the puzzle till I see the big picture. Hey! Some of the pieces won’t make any sense, but just trust Him 🙂
So here’s something I found about that verse that talked about not worrying and stuff. He’s like, I know you need to fill your mind with stuff, why not fill it with the kingdom?(Matt 6:33) Oh yeah, that can make you wrinkle your little nose all you want but seeking the kingdom first is the key to every other thing you want in life! I’d probably do a whole new post on that. But for this week and through the new month, I want to challenge you to focus on God and pursue the things that please Him; especially as regards promoting the kingdom.
In case you’re lost for how to do so, here are a few things you could do;
-Pray for others 🙏🙏
-Give to God and give others 😀
-Tell others of God’s love ❤❤
-Help out in your church 🙂
This is a sketchy list but I hope to make a more robust post on this! But I welcome other ideas on how to seek the Kingdom in the comment box 😀
Thanks for reading! Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section and do share with friends! God bless you!
Much love! ❤ ❤
©Mfon Etuk, 2016