Posted in Inspiration

Beauty From Pain

beauty from painAnguished. Numb. They say physical pain hurts, but I stand to say it doesn’t hurt as much as emotional pain. Heart throbbing and throat thickening pain. The pain that overwhelms you and leaves you shuddering beneath the sheets, watching as the tears fall like a waterfall. The pain that makes you wish you could just end it all. ‘Besides, the world will be just fine without you,’ the Devil whispers in your ears.

As a Christian, I know that I didn’t give myself life and I have no right to take it. But there are days such as this when I get so entangled in my mind’s web and I can’t find my way out. The jabbing pain numbs my very being. Feels like I’m losing it!

I know you may be wondering, ‘how did she get here?’ ‘How did the sweet peach girl turn all sour?’ :(: Oh my dear! I’m not sure. I enjoyed being by myself and slowly, the depression crept in, which I pampered as a baby till it became a full blown monster living in me. It didn’t take much to trigger it. I remember how I found it crazy whenever my mom would rebuke the spirit of depression in me. To me, it was just a normal ‘quiet’ mood that I nurtured with gloomy songs and poems. Like the sun, my smile sets and the gloom takes over. Clearly, it isn’t a harmless pet to keep, it’s a monster that is out to kill! Scary right? I should know!

Now I understand that the spirit of depression is a spirit of bondage. It steals your joy and peace and keeps you in a state of nothingness. A state where you’re but a walking dead going through life with no enthusiasm. Worse is when no one understands what’s going on. So you smile and wave like the Penguins of Madagascar so no one knows the monster you’re trying to hide.

So how can a broken person be writing to inspire others? Believe me, I wonder the same thing! The truth is, God’s ways are not our ways. He uses the weak things of the world to confound the strong (1 Cor 1:27).

God turned the very thing that could kill me into something that births life #MyTestimony

Out of my messed up mind he brought out messages! Out of the pain, came beauty. The poems I write in such low moments have been used in far reaching ways than I can imagine to bless lives, mine inclusive! Poems like Unspoken, Night before Light, Losing, Dark Nights, Dread, Can you hear me and Jekyll and Hyde were borne from pain. So the next time you read these poems, please read with understanding.

I am still learning to ‘rejoice always’ even when things get dark, I hold on to God’s word for illumination.

I’m a vessel in the potter’s hand, constantly molded into shape.

The process may seem really long, but beauty is sure. I still have relapses of depression. But I’m comforted because I know Jesus has won the victory!

So why am I telling you this? So you could shake your head in pity? Nah. We all face pain. Yours may not be a struggle with depression, it could be addictions, bitterness, insecurities, heartbreaks, sin or anything that leaves you broken. But if you think you’re completely whole, good for you! This, however is for the broken people like me who deal with pain. Too scared to admit we need help. But He knows we do. Surrender to Him in all honesty. Give him the fragments of your broken life and watch Him create a masterpiece!

There will be beauty from this pain! 

Thanks for staying to the end of this pretty long piece. Feel free to drop your thoughts in the comment section. God bless you! 🙂

©Mfon Etuk, 2016

***Song for the day- Beauty From Pain by Superchick***

 

Posted in Poetry

The Losing

Cold

Shivers run down my spine like fingers on a dead winter’s night,

My lips frozen, skin shut tight like epileptic teeth-

Words buried, unspoken,

“Its zero degrees in here

Or am I just dreaming?

The sun is still overhead,

Why am I freezing?”

Numb.

Feet can’t move,

Heart stops beating.

I watch a part of me leave.

My soul weeps at the loss of a memory.

Alone.

No one in sight, empty plains,

Tears no one can wipe away stream down my soaking cheeks;

My screams are mere whispers, no more than soundless echoes,

Whispers no one can hear,

“I reach out but can’t feel a thing.”

Fear.

My enemy, stuck like a brother,

The ghost keeps me awake at night, blanket to my chin,

Too frightened to fight-

“It’s dark.”

Loss.

I know that word only too familiarly,

A well of torment well unleashed.

Flowing in its torrents, swiftly running currents,

I float along, log of body wood-

“I lost me in you.”

© Mfon Etuk, 2015

Photo credit: www.pinterest.com
Photo credit: http://www.pinterest.com
Posted in Poetry, Series

The Night Before Light

tumblr_n3ejg6dtxz1s4sut4o1_500
Photo credit: http://www.rebloggy.com

Part One

Running, panting, falling,

There it was again, the monster she dreaded,

Ripping off everything that got in its way,

Green algae laced his hideous form,

Horns punctuated his face; his claws were of a bear,

He kept howling like a wolf,

Fear surrounded her like a fence,

Heart pounding, throat thickening, fists clenched, she tried to get up again,

Groping in the dark, trying to find her way,

Should she scream for help?

Who would answer her?

She was alone, just as she wanted,

Heavy footsteps kept getting closer,

Sweat and blood dripping from her as she tried to find a way out

The web she was in was all so scary,

There was no way out of it,

If there was a God, he sure wouldn’t want to save her-she was too far gone to be saved,

The hurt filled her heart till it began to overflow

Another shrill disturbed the silence of the night,

The monster had wrenched the heart of another victim,

For how long would she keep running in circles?

But who was she to end the life she never owned?

Lost, afraid, cold, lonely, she stopped running,

She shivered as the cold wind brushed her fragile skin,

With the shackles on her wrists and ankles,

She sat waiting for her turn like a cow led to slaughter,

If only He could save her-

If only He still loved her like He always said,

Wiping the tears off her dirt covered face,

She looked up to see the monster in front of her,

A knot tightened in her throat, too hard to swallow

There he was with the stench of death oozing out of him,

He stretched out his claws towards her heart,

The end had come for her,

He was going to rip off every bit of her,

Even though his blood thirst remained insatiable,

She knew she deserved this,

Shutting her eyes, she cried from the depths of her heart

JESUS!!!!

Thunder, lightning, earthquake-then came the silence

The silence that screamed louder than the storm,

She slowly opened her eyes,

The monster was gone,

Shackles fell off her wrists and ankles,

She was free, or was she dreaming?

blog image
http://www.loverofdarkness.net

Would the monster come again, stronger and more at rage than it was?

Footnote:

Lots of us struggle with one monster or the other(addictions, obsessions, things we would love to change, things we can’t tell anyone), we keep running around in the thick web of sins. But God is our ever present help in times of need, always ready to save you. Just call on Him. Its time to stop running.

© Mfon Etuk, 2015.