I remember our first date. We were having coffee. I sat across from him, miles away. He didn’t even know me, but to me, he was an open book ready to be feasted upon by my ever curious eyes. I searched through depths of his mind- reading post after post. He was intriguing, I thought to myself. He became the muse and today, I’m borrowing his concept to bring DTM. Read the rest of this entry »
I completed a book I had been stalling for some years now. I don’t know why I stalled so long but the book turned out to be a very good read. It took me away from my current realities into this blissful state where I’d be staring at the characters, knowing what each was thinking and patiently waiting to see the end. I was quickly reminded about the limitations of TV and movies. In a movie, Tom Cruise is the same as I see him and as you do. But in books, a character can be viewed in different ways by different people reading the same book. Read the rest of this entry »
The name is My Name.
I’m a man. I’m a good man, I think I am. Yeah, I should be. I try to be a good person. And I hope with God’s grace I will be. I live a calm and happy life. Calm in the way that I like it. Comfortable enough for me. Yeah, a good life. I want the good things of life; yeah I do, who doesn’t? While trying not to cross over to the other side- lust. I pray for Grace.
I want to make the whole world a better place, and I believe I’m working towards it, with grace on my side; a whole lot of her, LOL. I think I just wrote down ‘LOL’ for the first time in my life on paper. I have a grin on my face right now mehn… Read the rest of this entry »
So I’ve been talking about the adult thing for some time with a couple of friends. Friends who are pretty new to the adult thing like me. I still have a lot of questions to ask. Like at what age does one really become an adult? 18? 21? When you become independent? When you get married? What even makes an adult? My dictionary defines adult as a fully developed person from maturity onward. Are the people we refer to as adults fully developed really? Or is it just the developed physical attributes we refer to?
If adulthood begins at 18, then I’ve swam in the pool of uncertainty for about 5 years. But I think the African culture recognises adults from 21, so that’s a bit more relieving that I’ve had 2 years of being uncertain about the adult thing. To be honest, I find adulthood a tad scary. It’s kinda like you suddenly become responsible for yourself. Parents withdraw monthly allowances, you become very vulnerable to the law, and you’re left to figure out life with no one to walk you through it. There’s really no dress rehearsal for adulthood, it’s almost like it just comes on you. Phew! Beads of sweat are trickling down my face as I try to analyse this.
I still remember how much I wanted to grow up when I was a kid. I just wanted the perks of independence that came with being an adult. But now that I am, I’m almost wishing I could go back. So now you get to make your decisions knowing fully well you’re responsible for them. It’s no surprise my mind is in a constant state of busyness as I try to weigh every thought, every decision, every word on the pros/cons list. The need for perfection almost drives me insane. It’s overwhelming! I’m not done making decisions for myself and you’re telling me someday I’ll be a mom and would have to make decisions for my kids and family. Gee! Wouldn’t that drive me to insanity?
‘M, take one step at a time. Just breathe.’ You may say. But I’ll give you a thousand decisions I’m yet to make; a thousand thoughts fighting for prominence.
Does anyone really figure out the adult thing? Are there rules that guide everyone? For someone like me who loves rules, are there rules to follow? Within my short time of ‘adulting’, I’ve seen those who don’t play by the rules and it works great for them. And those who abide by the rules are called safe and boring. It’s all confusing!
Yeah sure there are adults who have gone before you and can teach you the ropes. But can your life really be tailored in the same way your mom’s was? Do the same rules still apply? Okay, I really need to hear what you guys have to say about this. I really want to learn from your thoughts and experiences. Thanks!😊
Stay with me. That was the last thing I said. Stay with me, was the last song that played before the lights went off and the gloom returned. He couldn’t even fight for us. He called me today though- I should probably be happy. I mean, I’m in a good place aren’t I? Then why is my heart beating faster? Why am I sweating when the AC is down sixteen degrees?
He said I was still his love even though things weren’t working out well for us. All I could do was let out a wry smile. I mean, ‘yeah right!’
I haven’t had any success stories when it comes to love. Maybe I make a monster out of them. I don’t know. I think I’ve given up on trying to figure out these things. I don’t know the happy version of the love story. I only know the sad tales with the broken hearts that live happily never after. Now when I’m going into a relationship, I go with the thought of the end in mind. But it’s funny how no matter how prepared I am for the end, my heart still aches differently when it is over. I’m sure if it were possible, Dex would hand me the box of tissues and sad playlists whenever one ended. Because he knows this. His thick fur has absorbed most of my tears. But it’s fine.
I’m thinking of traveling again. Maybe a bit of Indian spiced dishes will give me a different reason for the tears that seamlessly fall down my made up face. Oh yes, I finally learnt the art of making up. I’m still too laid back to do it every day but oh well! I learnt something new. Thanks YouTube!
From the makeup, you probably guessed there’s something special about today. Yeah, it’s my birthday. Every birthday since we became friends, Austin sends shoes. Well the first order he tried got mixed up but soon it became a ritual. I was sure I would get a new pair of shoes every birthday. And a note with the address for our dinner date where I’d wear the shoe to, of course.
I’m a little anxious today though. Considering what happened a couple of months back. I had gotten into a relationship with this morning’s caller. His name? Call him Drake. Not because he is my favourite musician but because his beards are so well carved. I think I like guys in the beard gang. Focus. So yeah I started dating Drake and the awful day came when I had to tell Austin. I think it broke him. He withdrew and stayed for days without chatting with me. Funny though, I and Drake couldn’t work out.
How do you know those guys who should just be friends? I think Drake and I made for good friends with no romantic undertone. And Austin? He has always been my friend! I mean how do you lose a friend by festering feelings that may lead nowhere?
I don’t have many friends. Maybe because I am not friendly enough. Oh no, that’s not the case. I am friendly and make friends easily. Sustainability. Now that’s the issue. I don’t know how to sustain such friendships. No wonder why I can’t sustain romantic relationships either.
My musings come alive when it’s raining. I want some hot chocolate and waffles. Unfortunately, I can’t have that now. I would opt for some fries but the merchants are not out yet.
The weather is comforting. Well except the mud I have to paddle through. I pray my birthday turns out well. But these days I don’t care so much for birthdays. I’m 29 already. Getting old. I should have a kid by now. Chuckles.
They are cute when little and obedient. But soon they become little monsters running around the house. I would know this because I watched my niece grow. So adorable! Yet mischievous.
So back to the friendship thing. My mind finds it hard to understand it. I make friends with the hope that he’s the one. But soon enough I find out he isn’t and I stash them with the remaining trophies on the friendship shelf. More like a new pair of shoes to my already robust collection.
Is it wrong to date friends? Is it right to friend zone potentials? You can only have one ‘the one ‘ right? Sighs. I don’t want to be greedy. I’m known for eating my cake and having it. But I mean, I could just take a tiny bite and keep the rest.
So instead of hot chocolate for the weather, I’m having iced lemonade. At least the cold matches the cold in my heart. And the sour taste, that’s just the taste of all my broken relationships and sour friendships.
I hope Austin sends my birthday gift. Not like I need a new pair, but I just need to know he still values our friendship. It’s okay if he doesn’t. I will be fine. I never told him I broke up with Drake. Just so he wouldn’t ask me out and receive an inevitable no. If only friends will just be friends. Sighs.
It’s still raining. I need to go out. I hate being grounded. Hopefully I should be up in the air next week. India will do me good. I believe. Come away with me.
©Mfon Etuk, 2016.