More than ever before, I feel like my emotions have been on a rollercoaster. One moment I’m happy and hopeful, the next I’m flat on my back on the floor imagining the Grim reaper’s visit. Okay, maybe not that dramatic, but you get the picture. Lol.
How are y’all coping with the global pandemic and lockdown? Well, for me it’s been crazy. If you’ve been following my blog for a while, you’d know I’m largely introverted and enjoy the four walls of my home. But these days are different. I still wish for the option to go out so I don’t lose my mind. Welps! It’s all for our safety! Continue reading “It’s okay not to be okay”→
I watched the recently released movie, ‘All the Bright Places’ on Netflix. A part of me knew it was gonna break my heart… but I still watched and wept deeply.
The movie tried to depict mental health struggles that people go through in such a captivating way. I could totally relate. I know there are lots of people out there carrying weights from stuff they never talk about.
Here in Nigeria, people still struggle to understand mental health issues. But you don’t have to understand it to be kind. There was this recent gist about a guy who wanted to jump off third mainland bridge because his long-term relationship was over. People have joked about it, and probably said stuff like, ‘That can never be me’. We all have different thresholds for pain. Don’t use your capacity to take more pain to trivialize another whose world may be crumbling.
It scares me… to think, how many people are here, lost, afraid, unsure of who to talk to, unsure of how to turn off the voices in their head—you know, those voices that tell you that you aren’t good enough and no one will miss you when you’re gone. It scares me to think you’re out there, right now, hopeless, in the midst of people yet feeling alone, struggling to cope, while knowing your coping mechanisms are only destroying you… it scares me. It scares me to think about how many people are just one ‘good word’ away from committing suicide.
This year has been such a rollercoaster for me. I’m learning now how to appreciate the night and day, the dark spaces and the light. Most times, the dark can be so overwhelming. Sometimes it feels like my head is under water, and unlike John Legend sang, I’m not breathing fine. I’ve felt numb, blank even… like nothing else matters. Like there’s nothing more. You know?
My own brain to me is the most unaccountable of machinery, always buzzing, humming, soaring, diving and then buried in mud. And then why? What’s this passion for?-Virginia Woolf
After a while the light returns. Just like the day always breaks no matter how dark or long the night has been. In that moment, I realize I was never alone. I had people that genuinely cared. I had God. And even when my faith was barely a mustard seed and I couldn’t see Him through the blur, He was still there.
Why am I telling you all of these? To let you know that you’re never alone. There’s more for you here. Please stay awake. Stay alive.
I feel like we can’t go through another of those terrible times. – Virginia Woolf
Good for you if you can’t relate to any of the things I just wrote. Remember to extend grace and love to those around you going through stuff that may sound trivial to you.
I’ll end with some quotes from the movie. (I didn’t talk much about it so I wouldn’t give you spoilers).
It’s okay to get lost as long as you find your way back.
There are bright places even in dark times. And if there isn’t, you can be that bright place.. with infinite capacities.
It’s only January borns that didn’t notice how ‘everlasting’ the month was. I’m pretty sure I lived an entire year in one month. But I’m finally glad it’s over and we can open a new chapter.
Thanks to KerryTosan, I got to see this February prompt post that would help me write more consistently. The topics here are pretty interesting as well. So I hope you’ll join me on this journey all through February!
Prompt 1: Things Unsaid
In the same vein, I can’t explain my interaction with negative words. They’re the kryptonite to every wordsmith. Piercing the heart of creativity until it dries up. To them, it’s just another careless word. But to those with sense 6, it’s a trigger. It snaps. They snap. And they’re gone without a sound.
January was a ticking bomb for me. Can’t tell if it was the month or if I was the bomb. I was drained emotionally and mentally, everything lost it’s meaning—including life. Lots of things remain unsaid as people still grapple with understanding mental health issues. Lots of things remain unsaid as we try to find ourselves. As we struggle to connect with our core and find the meaning of our existence.
Prompt 2: Missing in Action
Suicidal thoughts do not mean you’re weak or averse to pain and hardships in life. It just means you’re trying to find a way to tell the world what’s been going on in your head, by cracking it open. Blood always speaks louder.
To live is one of the rarest things in life, because most people just exist. They barely get by. Hanging on to toxic environments or relationships, taking in all the crap they can take just to make ends meet. While living becomes a burden, and not many survive the travails. So even while we’re here, most of us are still lost in space. All just missing in action.