Posted in Inspiration

Beauty From Pain

beauty from painAnguished. Numb. They say physical pain hurts, but I stand to say it doesn’t hurt as much as emotional pain. Heart throbbing and throat thickening pain. The pain that overwhelms you and leaves you shuddering beneath the sheets, watching as the tears fall like a waterfall. The pain that makes you wish you could just end it all. ‘Besides, the world will be just fine without you,’ the Devil whispers in your ears.

As a Christian, I know that I didn’t give myself life and I have no right to take it. But there are days such as this when I get so entangled in my mind’s web and I can’t find my way out. The jabbing pain numbs my very being. Feels like I’m losing it!

I know you may be wondering, ‘how did she get here?’ ‘How did the sweet peach girl turn all sour?’ :(: Oh my dear! I’m not sure. I enjoyed being by myself and slowly, the depression crept in, which I pampered as a baby till it became a full blown monster living in me. It didn’t take much to trigger it. I remember how I found it crazy whenever my mom would rebuke the spirit of depression in me. To me, it was just a normal ‘quiet’ mood that I nurtured with gloomy songs and poems. Like the sun, my smile sets and the gloom takes over. Clearly, it isn’t a harmless pet to keep, it’s a monster that is out to kill! Scary right? I should know!

Now I understand that the spirit of depression is a spirit of bondage. It steals your joy and peace and keeps you in a state of nothingness. A state where you’re but a walking dead going through life with no enthusiasm. Worse is when no one understands what’s going on. So you smile and wave like the Penguins of Madagascar so no one knows the monster you’re trying to hide.

So how can a broken person be writing to inspire others? Believe me, I wonder the same thing! The truth is, God’s ways are not our ways. He uses the weak things of the world to confound the strong (1 Cor 1:27).

God turned the very thing that could kill me into something that births life #MyTestimony

Out of my messed up mind he brought out messages! Out of the pain, came beauty. The poems I write in such low moments have been used in far reaching ways than I can imagine to bless lives, mine inclusive! Poems like Unspoken, Night before Light, Losing, Dark Nights, Dread, Can you hear me and Jekyll and Hyde were borne from pain. So the next time you read these poems, please read with understanding.

I am still learning to ‘rejoice always’ even when things get dark, I hold on to God’s word for illumination.

I’m a vessel in the potter’s hand, constantly molded into shape.

The process may seem really long, but beauty is sure. I still have relapses of depression. But I’m comforted because I know Jesus has won the victory!

So why am I telling you this? So you could shake your head in pity? Nah. We all face pain. Yours may not be a struggle with depression, it could be addictions, bitterness, insecurities, heartbreaks, sin or anything that leaves you broken. But if you think you’re completely whole, good for you! This, however is for the broken people like me who deal with pain. Too scared to admit we need help. But He knows we do. Surrender to Him in all honesty. Give him the fragments of your broken life and watch Him create a masterpiece!

There will be beauty from this pain! 

Thanks for staying to the end of this pretty long piece. Feel free to drop your thoughts in the comment section. God bless you! 🙂

©Mfon Etuk, 2016

***Song for the day- Beauty From Pain by Superchick***

 

Posted in Inspiration

He Loves me; He Loves me not

rose petals
Photo Credit; desktopwallpapers4.me

It was a day to Valentines and I wondered what the day would bring. Appointments or disappointments, make ups or break ups. Would he send me a gift? Would he not?

My eyes trailed the lonely path to see a beautiful flower with delicate petals. I picked it up and watched as the flower felt secured in my palms.  I lightly tugged at a petal and said ‘he loves me’ as the mild February breeze seized the little petal. I pulled out another and said ‘he loves me not’.  As I began to pick other petals still repeating the same words, my heart shuddered at what the end of the game would yield.

I’ve always believed in love and I’ve probably watched too many Rom-coms that I can’t help but dream of the fairy-tale. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen tons of them where the girl was unsure of her man’s love and trusted the petals of a flower to tell her if he loved her or not.

Who doesn’t want to know if they are loved? Or the extents to which that love would go? That’s why there are love calculators and apps like M.A.S.H valentine or even a simple striking out game of ‘F.L.A.M.E.S’ which help you ‘know’ the extent of love or degree of compatibility.

So I lingered with the flower. Most people would say it was a lame game but it kinda meant a lot to me because I was unsure of his love for me. I never really doubted his love when I was on my best behaviour; when I was the good lover that spent hours and hours with him; who made him smile by adoring him. Yeah, he sure loved me then!

But what about the times when I was too busy for him? Times when I defiantly did the opposite of what he asked of me? What of the times I cheated on him…? My heart sank. I unconsciously squeezed the light flower in my palm and when I opened it, it looked really pale. Just like my love. 😦

‘He loves me…’

‘He loves me not.’

Three petals remained in my palm. You could already tell the result of my game. A smile that had been hiding behind the creases of my face turned up like the sun rising in the east.

I smiled at the last petal and whispered ‘he loves me.’

The thought sent electric waves down my spine. Like every lover, there were days when I was insecure about his love for me; days when I felt undeserving; days when I didn’t just feel like it- like today. But the result of the game said otherwise and I was willing to believe it.

Look! Listen! There’s my lover!

    Do you see him coming?

Vaulting the mountains,

    leaping the hills.

My lover is like a gazelle, graceful;

    like a young stag, virile.

Look at him there, on tiptoe at the gate,

    all ears, all eyes—ready!

My lover has arrived

    and he’s speaking to me!

SOS 2:8-10 (MSG)

 He loves me! I screamed as the realization began to give me more meaning. He loves me no matter what I do. He loves how weird I get. He loves how I smile one minute and cry the next. He loves how I get weak sometimes and reach out to him for help. He loves all of me. My beautiful imperfections are truly loved by a perfect God!  Nothing could ever separate me from that love! 😀 ❤ ❤

Do you ever feel unloved or undeserving? Here is a quick note to self;

Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.

We’re sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.

None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us. -Rom 8:35-39 MSG)

***song for the day- His Kind of Love by Group 1 Crew***

©Mfon Etuk, 2016