The thunder roared and her metal windows gave a loud clanging sound which caused her to curl up closer to the wall. It was her first night away from home and the storms were raging. Nevertheless, the storms in her heart raged fiercer than the northern wind elements. Read the rest of this entry »
My thoughts are chasing me
Can you hear me?
Is there anyone here?
Or is it just me?
I guess its silent night again
I can’t see you
I can’t hear you
Please don’t leave me
Say something- anything!
I need to know you care
Or don’t you?
– © Mfon Etuk, 2015
M: Lately, I feel like you’re so far away. Or maybe more concerned with other pressing issues. I know it’s the enemy’s deception, but sometimes I can’t help it. Doubts crawl into my mind like bugs in an abandoned apartment. I want to believe you’re here, but sometimes it’s so hard to see behind the fog. True though, it’s really foggy outside my window.
G: Go on, I’m listening.
M: I know I’ve pulled back from you. Because I don’t feel you anymore.
G: But what ever happened to leaping in faith? Trusting me to catch you when you fall?
M: You don’t understand! It’s so freaking hard to believe you’re there when everything goes south. Like right now; I’m confused, I’m tired, I’m depressed, I’m lonely and I can’t help myself. Yes, I’ve called on you but I can’t see you reaching out to help me.
G: Are my hands too short that I can’t save you? Or my ears too dull that I can’t hear you? Do you think for a second, that I, who formed the eyes cannot see?
M: It’s overwhelming, Lord.
G: Have the storms killed you? Have the waters drowned you?
M: Honestly, I feel like I’m 6 ft. under the ground everyday- just a walking dead.
G: I would never give you more than you can handle. And you need to remember feelings are but smoke, they fizzle out. You can’t hold on to them for long.
M: I know, Lord. But I’m only human and it’s not my fault that you’ve given me the ability to feel.
G: Now she blames me. Classic human!
M: Please forgive me. I’m just so frustrated. I don’t know what to believe anymore.
G: You’re forgiven. But I have some questions you need to answer.
M: I’m listening, Lord.
G: Have I promised never to leave nor forsake you?
M: Yes you have.
G: Then why do you think I’ve left you for more pressing issues? I’m slightly offended by how little you think of me. Do you really think I need to leave one place to be in another place? What’s your definition of omnipresence?
M: Sighs. I can’t get past my mind trying to figure you the way I figure humans. Please forgive me.
G: I am not a man that I should lie, nor a son of man, that I should change my mind. Do I speak and then not act? Do I promise and not fulfill? Haven’t I said my strength is made perfect in your weakness?
M: I’m despaired, Lord. I was afraid that you had turned your back on me, so I resolved to go my way. Waddling in depression and seeking satisfaction from things that couldn’t satisfy.
G: My thoughts are not your thoughts; your ways are not my ways. As the Heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than yours. What would be the difference between you and I if I have to do things the way you want them to be done?
M: I want your ways, Lord and I repent of my evil ways.
G: Then trust in me with all your heart. Don’t lean on your understanding! The moment you think you’ve got me all figured out is the moment I’ll surprise you. Just believe that I will bring you to that expected end, you don’t need to know how.
M: Yes Lord, I believe. But help my unbelief.
G: Why do you doubt? If I gave you the one thing I cherished the most- my son, what else will I withhold from you?
G: Need I remind you that NOTHING can separate you from my love?
M: Thank you for loving me.
G: So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
M: Thank you Father.
G: I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.
M: I adore you for you are the God of all comfort who comforts me in my troubles; so that I can comfort others in trouble with the comfort I’ve received from You.
Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.- Isaiah 1:18
Isaiah 59:1, Psalm 94:9, Isaiah 55:8-9, Numbers 23:19, Proverbs 3:5, Deut 31:8, John 16:33, Romans 8:38-39, 2 Cor 1:3-4, Isaiah 41:10, Mark 9:24.
Song for the day: Can you hold me by NF ft Britt Nicole.
I dread the night. Horror
The darkness reaches out its cold arms
Pulling me into an embrace of pain. Terror
Pain in my body
Pain in my mind
Please don’t rain the pain on me tonight
I dread the fear and its slithery fingers
Piercing into my skin with claws so sharp
Digging into my flesh with steely fangs
Breaking down my walls. Defenceless.
My mind is a dreadful web
And I’m trapped in it
Can’t feel a thing. Numb
Please don’t allow the dread drain me tonight
Take the pain away
Make me the fearless girl I see in my dreams-
Make me the me I see in you
Mfon Etuk, 2015
Shivers run down my spine like fingers on a dead winter’s night,
My lips frozen, skin shut tight like epileptic teeth-
Words buried, unspoken,
“Its zero degrees in here
Or am I just dreaming?
The sun is still overhead,
Why am I freezing?”
Feet can’t move,
Heart stops beating.
I watch a part of me leave.
My soul weeps at the loss of a memory.
No one in sight, empty plains,
Tears no one can wipe away stream down my soaking cheeks;
My screams are mere whispers, no more than soundless echoes,
Whispers no one can hear,
“I reach out but can’t feel a thing.”
My enemy, stuck like a brother,
The ghost keeps me awake at night, blanket to my chin,
Too frightened to fight-
I know that word only too familiarly,
A well of torment well unleashed.
Flowing in its torrents, swiftly running currents,
I float along, log of body wood-
“I lost me in you.”
Mfon Etuk, 2015
Running, panting, falling,
There it was again, the monster she dreaded,
Ripping off everything that got in its way,
Green algae laced his hideous form,
Horns punctuated his face; his claws were of a bear,
He kept howling like a wolf,
Fear surrounded her like a fence,
Heart pounding, throat thickening, fists clenched, she tried to get up again,
Groping in the dark, trying to find her way,
Should she scream for help?
Who would answer her?
She was alone, just as she wanted,
Heavy footsteps kept getting closer,
Sweat and blood dripping from her as she tried to find a way out
The web she was in was all so scary,
There was no way out of it,
If there was a God, he sure wouldn’t want to save her-she was too far gone to be saved,
The hurt filled her heart till it began to overflow
Another shrill disturbed the silence of the night,
The monster had wrenched the heart of another victim,
For how long would she keep running in circles?
But who was she to end the life she never owned?
Lost, afraid, cold, lonely, she stopped running,
She shivered as the cold wind brushed her fragile skin,
With the shackles on her wrists and ankles,
She sat waiting for her turn like a cow led to slaughter,
If only He could save her-
If only He still loved her like He always said,
Wiping the tears off her dirt covered face,
She looked up to see the monster in front of her,
A knot tightened in her throat, too hard to swallow
There he was with the stench of death oozing out of him,
He stretched out his claws towards her heart,
The end had come for her,
He was going to rip off every bit of her,
Even though his blood thirst remained insatiable,
She knew she deserved this,
Shutting her eyes, she cried from the depths of her heart
Thunder, lightning, earthquake-then came the silence
The silence that screamed louder than the storm,
She slowly opened her eyes,
The monster was gone,
Shackles fell off her wrists and ankles,
She was free, or was she dreaming?
Would the monster come again, stronger and more at rage than it was?
Lots of us struggle with one monster or the other(addictions, obsessions, things we would love to change, things we can’t tell anyone), we keep running around in the thick web of sins. But God is our ever present help in times of need, always ready to save you. Just call on Him. Its time to stop running.
Mfon Etuk, 2015.