Do I begin by saying how much I’ve missed the blog and its readers? Or do I begin with the story of how my life has been these past months? Well, I’ll start from the latter and arrive at the former. The last couple of months have been most intense for me; ranging from a not so vibrant spiritual life to extensive coursework and dissertation, and down to uncomfortable emotional rollercoasters.
I felt so distant from God these past months –which is weird because it’s in the bad times we need Him the most. I found myself doing things that didn’t please Him. The worse part is that I got tired of apologizing and asking for forgiveness. I felt He was disappointed and fed up with me. I’m sure some of you have felt this way before. It’s like you have disappointed your dad and you’re scared of going to ask him for stuff afterwards. Thankfully, I had some good friends and bloggers who would remind me that God doesn’t treat us as our earthly parents do. He’s not surprised by our sins. He sees us screw up and waits for us to return to Him. I struggled to believe the truth. I was hard on myself because I believed I deserved to be punished for my sins. I even wanted to hurt my body sometimes. Point is, I couldn’t see or feel God. And in His absence, the devil hypnotized me with such thoughts.
It took a while of falling and rising to actually believe that God’s grace is sufficient for us; not only to cleanse us from sin but to make us not to do them anymore. I began to believe afresh in God’s power in me to do according to His will and good pleasures. I’m going into details on this because I know there are people like me who feel God’s tired of them and their screw-ups. But He really isn’t. Yes, He doesn’t want you sinning. But He can’t help you stop it if you remain far from Him. I pray for you, that you may understand this truth and accept His love. Most importantly, I pray that you draw closer to Him.
So back to schoolwork, it’s been intense but God has been faithful. There are so many things I’ve done that I never thought I could, like: giving good presentations in spite of stage fright, pulling all-nighters to complete my dissertation and working in teams to get things done. I’ve also had some terrible scores that I’ve had to learn from. I know God is helping me build my capacity through these trials, but trust me, the pain is excruciating! Alessia Cara captured it well when she sang ‘Growing Pains’.
Although I have paused on my DTM series, one of the significant parts of adulting is getting in touch with your emotions and knowing how to handle them. This has been especially difficult for me in the last months. I’ve cried, I’ve been depressed, I’ve loved, I’ve lost, and I’ve felt deep pain and betrayal. But I’ve also experienced friendship at its core. I’ve received relentless support from people who believe in me. Basically, it’s been an emotional rollercoaster with all the highs and lows. And sometimes, I just want to puke from it all, while other times I want to throw my hands in glee.
Through it all, one thing has remained unchanging: God’s love. It wrapped me as a warm blanket on days when I couldn’t step out of my room. It saw the best in me and reminded me of my place in Him. God’s love is usually clearer to us when the noise is over and we have to come to terms with our souls. His love is there in moments where we bare out our lives; weaknesses and strengths. It’s mostly felt in brokenness, as I have learned in the last couple of days. At the end of the day, all we truly have is God’s love. And guess what? It’s more than enough.
PS: I’ve missed you guys! I’d like to hear from you.